you regret me. for the first time in a really long time i actually felt hurt. real hurt. i know i’ve said i felt hurt before, but it wasn’t really true. i haven’t felt anything in a really long time. i’ve been numb for years, just sitting and pretending to feel things, remembering what happiness, joy, anger and even sadness really felt like. you were the last person i thought i would ever cry over. i thought this was different. but i think every time will be different. i need to, i need to think that things aren’t going to be the same. i need to remember what happiness feels like, even if it’s just pretend it’s something. I’ve been so numb, so unfeeling, so just blank for so so long. pretending to be happy is like sitting in the sun, even if i can’t feel the warmth of it’s rays i know they’re there. i can remember so vividly what that felt like. i want to say that i can’t believe this happened, but i can, and i do. completely actually. it was the biggest fear i had about this whole thing. bigger then the overwhelming feeling that we would just end up breaking up. the fear was that you would regret the decision you made with me. i should have stopped you, but i’ve been so weak lately. i’ve been so selfish in my feeling, my need to remember emotions. the worst part about the whole thing is that i can’t cry anymore. not real tears, just tears because i’m not breathing properly. not tears that just run down your face because you’re too hurt inside to do anything else except lay there and let the tears roll. i guess that’s what destruction does to you. i am the Humpty Dumpty of all broken things, all the kings horses, and all the kings men would never be able to put me back together. and it’s all me, it’s completely me, as far as i know the other person in every situation has had something successful in their lives. the only thing wrong is me. i’ll never be enough to satisfy anyone. i’ll never be enough to make someone happy, i can help that person be happy and maintain happiness, as long as it’s through words or comforting but i’ll never be what a wife is to her husband, what a girlfriend is to her boyfriend. i’ll NEVER be like that. i guess people would call this giving up, but it’s not giving up it’s just acceptance. and i keep bringing it up because as much as i need to accept it, it’s the most unpleasant thing to ever have to accept. it’s horrifying to know that the one thing i’ve always wanted to be, i can’t be. i’ve always just wanted to be enough for someone. just enough. i’m like the misfit puzzle piece, i look like i fit in to many different spots but i don’t actually fit anywhere probably because i’m from a different puzzle. regardless of my pathetic metaphors and analogies. pathetic. i’m pathetic. pathetic: miserably or contemptibly inadequate. i’ve never heard you call me your best friend. you probably don’t even think of me like that, i’m not even enough to be deserving of the title. you instigate this whole thing and then i was almost surprised when you wanted to end things today. i let you. the fault is mine. i should have stopped you, but i didn’t want to. i just wanted to remember happiness.
monday was so painful for me. i don’t even know why you decided to come to be honest, it would have been so much better if you just hadn’t shown up. i hope you know, well i know you don’t even care to think about the fact that you’ve left me completely alone and i literally don’t think you cared. well not the you that’s here right now, the you that i know, the whole you. the one that whispers when he talks because he can’t say things too out loud, the one who has to choke out words because it’s too hard for him because he actually MEANS it. the one that kissed me outside his car that night.
you always say you’re sorry. and i always ask you for what? and you don’t even know why you should be sorry to me, you think it’s because you’ve hurt me or caused me pain. and that’s not the reason you should be sorry. you should apologize for letting me feel happiness, a happiness that you were responsible for. i didn’t know i was so unhappy before you because i didn’t actually know what being truly happy actually felt like.
it’s not that you took it away, it’s that you let me feel like that in the first place. the only reason you ever needed me in you life is to escape from the things you don’t want to deal with, you want me around to say it’s going to be okay, to take your side or to fight when you need it
you continuously use me and i just let you because even though i know you would’t, i like to think that if i legitimately needed you, you would be there for me. it’s insane to think so because to be honest who the fuck cares about me in that sense. Heather doesn’t have romantic problems, because she’s about as appealing as a dead racoon. Heather doesn’t need to be thought of because she’s too busy thinking about other people. Heather doesn’t have any real emotions because, well who actually cares enough?
you said to me that i deserved someone better, that i actually deserved someone as good as me. that the pain you caused me was wrong and horrid but you continued to just walk away with a fake apology on your lips. leaving me that much more heart broken then when me met that night.
and now that everything is just so fucking PEACHY with your girlfriend you can just leave me, the one friend who actually talked you though EVERYTHING, you told me things you couldn’t tell your other friends. and i actually thought that it might have meant something to you that someone was there… that i was there for you.
and i’m so done with just saying whatever and let it roll off my back because it hurts too much
sometimes i get this feeling, it’s like i can literally feel time slipping away from me. i can feel death looming over my head like a 25 ton anvil and i know that the rope will hold, but it won’t hold forever. and i don’t know when it’s going to break
we spend our whole lives trying to control everything we can, what we eat, what we wear, who we talk to, how we talk to them, what we pursue in life, the people we befriend and love. every aspect about our life is a conscious decision made by us at somer point. we decide when things happen and who they happen with.
and no amount of time, and no amount of control will ever prepare you for when that anvil drops. that’s the most terrifying part of life, knowing it’s going to end and i can’t deal with it. i lie awake and soak myself in tears because i know it’s going to happen. and i don’t know when, or how, or where or if the people that i love will know that i love them. or if they’ll even care about me when i’m not here.
or worse what if i’m the last one? what if i have to watch every single person that i love and care about die and i’m the last one? what if there isn’t anyone left to care? and why do we search for people to care about us when we’re gone? we search and search for camaraderie in our lives. we face rejection, heart break, tears, fights, happiness, sorrow, loss, joy, adventure, fear, anxiety, and indecision about the people who we let into our lives. and all we know is that we want someone there, we want someone to hold on to when we need them. and that’s it we need someone. NEED. it’s a basic need of the human race that some people never fill.
i talked to him today. him. my one and only him. the one who could continue to break and smash my heart and soul into the ground and it would never be enough to make me stop caring about him. emotionally invested i guess. i’m completely emotionally invested in him, my happiness depends on his happiness. even if i’m not the person who can make him happy. i love him. i love him so much that it hurts, so much that i feel like my heart doesn’t belong to me anymore, it belongs to him in whole. but that’s the thing about love. it doesn’t go away, and most of the time it doesn’t get returned. and in my case, will never be recognized or returned by him.
i want to skip everything in between and get to the part where happiness is attainable. not owned, just accessible. where you have someone who is just as emotionally invested in you as you are in them. someone that will listen to these rants so i don’t have to type them on a blog that no one knows about. someone who will love me. love. it’s something that i’ve always believed in for everyone else, i want to see others happy, i want that for everyone. and i’ve always been fine with my happiness coming from others happiness.
but i want that, i want to be in love with someone. i want the someone i’m in love with to me in love with me for once. i’d ask if that was so bad to ask for but it is bad and hard and rude and awful of me to ask for. who am i to ask for love? what have i done to deserve that? nothing. nothing that i deem worthy of love. true love.
i’ve fallen for the people who can’t return the feelings for me. i’ve invested my life into everyone else, i’ve done everything for the life of others. and now i want something for myself? to be so selfish as to ask for the biggest, most complicated emotion in return for what i think i’ve done for everyone else? but i’ve become part of that world, the world of take and not receive so how could i think i could just snap my fingers and get something? i’m a permanent part of this world, and truly i’m fine with it, i love seeing others smile, if it’s paying for someones tim hortons or returning a dropped item, holding doors open, talking something out with someone. it’s fine it really is, i love doing all of that.
everyone goes through dark places in their life, i’m usually there to talk them out with people. but i feel like when i need someone to talk to it’s irrelevant to what they’re going through and it always ends up in the back of my mind stored with all of the other things that no one cares about. there’s only a few people who can listen to everyone else’s stories and never tell any of their own. people, well a majority of people don’t really give a shit about you, they give a shit if you’re listening to them, but they for the most part don’t care what you have to say unless it pertains to them
i guess i’m just whining and being weak, it’s wrong of me to ask for such things. go to sleep heather, tomorrow is another day
i got so much for Christmas, i got the things i really asked for and more, and i don’t even know if i deserve it. my family is so kind, and i got the day i wanted with them as well, no one was mad, no one yelled, it was such a nice perfect Christmas day.
and of course that comes with a catch.
the catch is you. you said basically nothing to me all day, then when i tried to talk to you i got like nothing in response. one word answers or even just smiley faces. what would have made me the happiest girl in the whole world, you could take back everything i got today, absolutely everything. i just wanted you to make me feel like you used to. butterflies in my stomach, sending me messages just because, calling me because you wanted to say hi not text me. we’ve been so far apart lately and you’re not trying to do anything about it. i don’t even know if you notice, i miss the you that used to be around.
now you don’t sleep, then go to work forever and then tell me you’re too tired to see me, you don’t make time to even attempt to see me. i went to your house YESTERDAY and you didn’t stop playing your video game for 20 minutes to even acknowledge that i was there. the only time i can get you to go places with me is if i pay for things and drive there. it’s like you don’t want to see me, or spend time with me or do anything with me anymore and when i bring it up to you, you get offended “why would you ask that!” “of course i love you” “i’m just tired”
i know what i am, i’m the dandelion.
pretty girls are like roses. when you see a rose surrounded by other roses you don’t even look at just one, you see the whole bouquet. but when you see a rose surrounded by dandelions you see the rose as a single beauty, something so lovely. you judge the rose based on it’s surroundings. and i’m the dandelion that the roses surround themselves with. i’ve known that forever though, i just thought with you maybe i wouldn’t still feel like a dandelion.
i just wanted you to make me feel special for Christmas, that’s really all i wanted, that was my wish.
but when you wish for the impossible you get the stuff that distracts you from the fact that you didn’t get your one true wish.
i love my family so much, this Christmas was truly wonderful. if… i’m not even going to wish for something more that i deserve
so when your boyfriend is awkward during sex, and it’s his fault because he’s not ready for it, and then 2 days later he says he might move to BC for 5 months you, as the girlfriend have a little license to be upset
since the last guy i ever had, and loved very much, since i was with him for like a year left me the day after we had sex
so i have a little space to be upset here
and then your boyfriend tells you that he’s tired and feels sick so he’s going to go home after class and not spend time with you
but he gets out early, while you’re still in class and decides to NOT go home but instead go the STAG SHOP with your roommates.
so he couldn’t hang out with me, but wanted to go to the stag shop? no, apparently he just didn’t want to be stuck at the house… but he told you he was going home so why didn’t he just you know GO HOME AFTER CLASS?
oh and then when he’s coming back with your roommates they decide to shop for groceries, and then he doesn’t answer any of your questions about him going to the club or a house party with them tomorrow
he just avoids answering it even though you know he read the message
so i truly have a little space to be upset and if not already completely bursting with anger, lucky i’m a patient person that doesn’t get angry often, but he is seriously teetering on the precipice of my upset, and major upset
i just want to know why suddenly there’s all thee problems and why he constantly tells me that he loves me, and doesn’t want to lose me and everything else but all of these things keep popping up
i’m just lost, confused and i need my sister to hold me and beat him
fuck
i’m dramatic today aren’t i?
you probably weren’t even thinking about it at all
you probably don’t even think about me like that
i’m just some little kid
:(
“sorry, i’ve been out all day”
“okay. i’ll let you be busy. my apologies.”
“why do you get like this?”
“you do the same thing. we haven’t talked in days.”
“i don’t know what to say, i get busy and don’t text”
“i get that, i didn’t want to start anything have anyone get mad but this whole thing whatever we are, is confusing sometimes i’m sorry”
“yea it is”
“are we going to so anything about it?”
”??”
i don’t have anything to say anymore. i’ve said everything to you, and you said a lot to me too. you asked me to run away with you, that we were going to get married, that you “think i actually love you”
is this because i didn’t agree to run away with you? because i have plans next year, plans i can’t really back out on, it’s you know just college and an apartment. is this because i didn’t immediately so something spectacular when you said those 3 stupid words. i don’t know what you wanted to do, i’ve waited so long to have you say those words, and now you haven’t said anything to me in 3 days… you do this every time and i let you every time and now i’m stuck, like i always am. i can’t forget you, i can’t do anything.
what is wrong with me?
okay
just gonna be emotional for a minute
so i thought, i always thought that i wouldn’t have anyone like a significant other in my life, i just couldn’t picture it to be honest. i’m insecure and have bad skin and small boobs and gross legs. i’m not the smartest, i’m athletic but i do everything people tell me to, i don’t say no if someone needs help, i genuinely care about others and i always put them before myself.
i just thought i would pass through life being a fairy godmother to people who need it. i didn’t even consider falling for anyone or anything like that. it just wasn’t a thought, not a possibility or whatever.
but i fell for you, and i fell damn hard. head over fucking heels for you and you know i love you. and i don’t know, i just hoped for once that because i do things for others that maybe this night, my prom night maybe i would get to be the princess for once, that you would be that knight in shining armor that would come for me and dance with me, and just be mine forever.
everything is ready, the dress, the hair, the coach there.
all i’m missing is you my prince.
and as much as it pains me to say, i haven’t ever wanted anyone to really be there for me to hold my hand or kiss my neck. except you. i want YOU to be there forever and always. but the school year is over, and i leave for camping soon, and then you leave and tonight is really one of the only nights i might ever get to see you again before the future sweeps us all up and takes us away. and you aren’t coming.
i miss you
i love you
i just do. and i don’t know if i’ll ever stop.
i don’t care if this is going to sound whiney or bitchy or whatever.
i’m sad, tired, depressed, stressed out, lonely, and angry.
boy you have made my life so fucking difficult over the past 2 years, NO not 2 years, probably since we met in grade 9. you’ve made my life a living bliss and a living fucking hell. it’s like i never know where i stand with you and i never know what’s going through your brain. you tell me that you think about me 24/7. that you don’t know why you broke up with me anyway. THEN YOU ASK ME TO PROM. i made so many plans around the fact that you BROKE UP WITH ME. it bothers me that my heart screams when you are around, i just want to go with you so badly. and that bothers me because i can’t go with you. not because of the plans i made, not because of the multiple people that would literally chop my head off, but because you’ve hurt me time and time again and since i’m one of those completely naive people about life, i forgive you time and time again. but not this time. if you truly care about me the way you say you do, you will find a way to get to prom. you’ll go to exam audit and ask miller about your ticket and FIND A WAY TO GET THERE. you say the most wonderful things and i never know what they mean, because you’ve been acting like a snake lately and i want to trust you because i’ve had so many feelings for you that i don’t think they’ll ever go away. but that doesn’t mean anything to you. your friends say that all you do is just push me away, that if i come up in conversation you put me off as this psycho ex girlfriend and that i do all of this shit and then YOU COME TO ME AND ASK ME TO PROM AND TELL ME THAT YOU STILL LOVE ME. do you tell your friends that? no you don’t. i just don’t know what to think anymore because i’m too sad and angry with you.
girl. you’ve got to be kidding me. i know the whole thing with your best friend actually sucks, i mean to not be around them for do long and then they come back for you and you end up in a huge fucking fight over something really stupid really does suck and i’m sorry about that i really truly am. but then you open up that you’re fighting with the group. and it’s like WELCOME TO MY LIFE. you dished that exact same shit to me at the beginning of the year, and now it’s happening to you and it sucks and you’re sad and pissed about it. well SERIOUSLY. you and the group left me and my friend on our asses, you were all bitches to us and we were rightfully bitches back. boys and girls got involved and people got involved in fights that didn’t concern them and people took sides and really showed where they put their loyalty. and yeah it fucking sucks when the people that you really cared about, the people you truly called your friends leave you on your ass because of something REALLY STUPID. but that’s life and you did it to us and now you’re getting it in return. it sucks and everything trust me i know but there always seems to be drama wherever you go!
francois. i know i know he’s a fish. but he wasn’t just a fish, he represented a lot, like how can i expect myself to be responsible and be able to take care of anything if i can’t take care of my fish for more than 3 months. i feel like a complete failure, i feel like i seriously can’t do anything that i will honestly just fail living on my own next year. like i can’t handle this anymore. high school is done. and i’m thinking about all of the things i never have to do again, and the people i never have to see again and it’s exciting but it’s also really scary.
which brings me back to the boy. it really scares me that i might never see you again. EVER. that’s really scary, especially when you tell me that you might be moving to Alberta, i would literally never see you again. and no matter how many times you make me angry or sad or anything my heart always yearns for one more hug, one more time, one more kiss from you. and i don’t know if that feeling will ever go away. and my brain tells my heart every time to just give up that i’m better without you but there is something always holding you in my heart. literally if you count all the times we’ve been together, unofficially and officially it’s been a YEAR. one year. yes i’m sad, but also extremely angry with you. totally ambivalent but that’s what i always seem to be around you.
allergies. yeah nothing i can do.
mom and dad. i need to know that people can be happy together forever. i need to know this. that love, real love. the love i see in movies, that i read in books, really truly exists. when you fight, and not yelling, screaming, fighting, the sneaky, silent invisible fighting i know it going on really really makes me just want to cry and leave. what would i do if one of you left? i wouldn’t survive. that sort of instability is something i can’t handle and if that makes me weak than fine. i’m weak. but i don’t care, i’ve lived so unstable for so long that i need to know that there is happiness out there, that there is something good for me, or everyone. i need to know love is there. because if i find out that everything i believe in, love, happy endings, trust, soul mates, bliss and happiness, if i find out that all of that is absolute bull shit. i might just die inside.
work. how can i literally live off 30 hours a month? my friends work 30 hour WEEKS. when rent next year is $400 a month, i have no idea how i’m going to get that kind of money, and i literally just missed the role of employment. no one will hire again for at least a month, and that’s way too late to find anything. especially since i’m going to college in the fall.
girl. girlie. babe. i miss you already. you’re my best friend. you’ve only been gone like a day. and i already miss you so so so much. but i know you’re going to have the time of your life, you’re brother is going to do so well and it’s going to be amazing. it’s probably selfish that i want you here, so i’m just going to stop this right now. it’s like since you left things have just been exploding left right and center. i can’t wait for you to get back. i really really can’t wait for July 9th.
EXAMS. they’re over, but the marks aren’t out. i have to wait for tuesday for these marks and i don’t know how i can wait that long. i already found out that i missed a question on my english exam which FUCKING SUCKS. and just ugh.
prom. prom will be amazing i hope. but if girl (reference the first girl rant paragraph) if you legit just show up at the after party i plan on attending. i don’t know what i’ll do, maybe i’ll just get really fucking drunk and then i might JUST MIGHT be able to listen to all the drama in YOUR life.
other boy. UGH. seriously wtf are you thinking? “tell her she’s going for ice cream with me on sunday” THAT IS NOT HOW YOU GET A DATE WITH SOMEONE. NO NO NO NO NO NO. YOU DO NOT TELL SOMEONE THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE ABOUT A DATE. YOU ASK THE PERSON YOU WANT TO ASK ON THAT DATE IF THEY WANT TO GO WITH YOU YOU DO NOT TELL THEM. AND ESPECIALLY THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE, IN THIS CASE ME. I AM NOT YOUR WING MAN, YOUR WHATEVER RELATIONSHIP WIZARD FUCK OFF AND ASK PEOPLE OUT YOURSELF LOOK IN THE PHONE BOOK FOR HER NUMBER FOR GOD SAKES IT’S NOT HARD.
the shining beacon in the middle of this harbour is that i sold my first art piece (hopefully fingers crosses) and i can now call myself a professional photographer. which is really really awesome. that actually makes me so happy. second i put a new roll of film in my camera, and i’m pretty sure this roll didn’t get stuck so that’s all good news and i’m going camping on July 1st and i won’t be back where there is proper electricity, indoor plumbing or internet until the 7th. which to most people would sound like awful but i’m so happy about it. i want to go swimming in the river everyday and build fires with my brother and go canoeing with my mom, fishing with my grandfather and play board games with my aunt. i wanna cook jiffy pop with my dad and talk about nothing in particular because we don’t have any real responsibilities up there. i want to disappear from civilization for a while and just be. just disappearing from this town for a week will be amazing. it’s a holiday and a break from a lot of things that i don’t want to deal with anymore.
i know that was long and ranty and bitchy and everything but i don’t get things out like this a lot and i finally decided that i don’t give a shit and i’ve had enough. so here you go tumblr have some more vanilla teenage angst.
